I would never forget how foolish I felt holding onto someone that I knew wasn’t good for my mental health. My gut kept telling me to leave but something in me couldn’t. Do I like being mistreated? Do I like feeling terrible about myself 99% of the time? Do I like associating with people who make me feel crazy, alone, or hard to love?
I’d cut this guy off and then he’ll return with that same “hey” or “wyd” text that’ll suck me right back in. It was like everything he had done before that went out the door.
“I changed,” he’d say.
“I’m sorry,” he’d say.
“You’re beautiful,” he’d say.
It was those words that kept me in an on and off situationship for 3 years. It was those words that gave me a high I couldn’t come down from.
I loved the feeling of him returning even though I knew he was using me for his convenience.
It was later in life that I realized I too was using him for my personal gain.
“Why does he keep coming back to me?” I’d ask myself and close friends.
I must be special. I must be the one, the one who has his heart.
Whether this was true or not didn’t matter because I didn’t feel like it. I just tried to create the feeling; only to be left in the depths of my despair. I kept trying to figure out what was going on in his mind, that’s how I lost mine.
Oh, how he made me feel like I was on top of the world some days and at the bottom of the barrel the scum of the earth on the next.
“BLOCK HIM!” A friend would say.
When they say “it’s not that easy” THEY ARE NOT KIDDING!
However, a better question to ask is “why do I keep taking him back?”
Even though this situationship wasn’t true love, it felt true to the parts of me that needed love. He made me feel wanted. He made me feel beautiful. This roller coaster madness was the antidote to my emptiness. That’s all that mattered.
I’d never forget the day when I was actually done. I felt no need to make a big speech about it. Every fiber of my being told me to let it go. I blocked him on my phone and then he messaged me on Instagram begging for another chance. I blocked him there too.
You know a girl is really done when she blocks you on Instagram. LOL!
Anyway, I didn’t want to leave him but I had to.
He was the first person I had ever let go of. It was the most exhilaratingly painful feeling in the world. I felt empowered. I felt in control. I faced my biggest fear, which was letting go of someone I loved.
I used to desperately cling onto friends just to have people around me. I valued quantity over quality. As long as my voids were being filled, that's all that mattered.
Boy was I up for a rude awakening when I expected people who were just around me to be with me.
Not only that, I started to learn the parts of me that caused these experiences in the first place. I’ve been at it ever since.
Ever been in a toxic relationship/friendship that left you stuck mentally and emotionally? Ever forced yourself to love someone your body kept denying? Have you ever been close to someone who made you emotionally sick?
Guess what? I’m sick of seeing people go through it!
Comments