Anxiety before a test, performance, or job interview is normal. We all have voices inside our heads that don’t shut up. However, voices from apprehension are explosive, compulsive, and strikingly negative. Having anxiety is like endlessly looking over an edge on a 15,000 foot cliff. It is fear that people don’t mean they love you, that they will leave you, or discard you. Fear that you’ll get fired from your job, when you’re really a pleasure at a firm. Fear that someone is upset with you when they could just be having a bad day or not even upset at all.
Adding “disorder” after the word “anxiety” always bothered me. Or calling it an “illness” because when I think of a mental illness I think of people who intentionally hurt (narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths). Anxiety is not intentional, it manifests from unresolved chaos that we internalize.
They’re after me, they all hate me, they're all talking about me. Said my overriding mind.
I’m inferior, nobody understands me, nobody cares about me. Crept my irrational insecurities.
Did I make her mad? Did I do something wrong? Did I offend him with my words? Assumes my irrational guilt.
Now, let's dive into the consequences that people with anxiety face:
1. YOU MARINATE IN YOUR PAST
At this point you lost all the flavor! LOL! The fact that you overanalyze everything you miss out on A LOT of opportunities. You rethink, rewind, and replay traumatic occasions and your mistakes. When someone doesn’t text you back you “catastrophy” it, thinking you said or did something wrong. When someone you know doesn’t say “hi” you think they hate you. When you experience any odd or off gesture you conjure up all of these impossible, insidious, beliefs. I know draining.
2. YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT
Anxiety turned me against my intuition because I couldn't tell if I was spot on or being paranoid. Even when I was 100% sure of something, I didn't trust myself enough to abide by it. Which explains my warm welcome to toxic relationships, and friendships.
Anytime someone slipped away mentally, embarrassed/harassed me, or made me angry, I tried harder to please them. That’s how I was used to living, sacrificing myself so that others can be comfortable. I took on more than I could handle because I felt obligated to. The external validation was a temporary fix for my nerves.
3. ANXIETY REVEALS FALSE INFORMATION THAT YOU BEGAN TO MOLD AS OUR TRUTH
Forgive me if I sound crazy but my thoughts feel so real! I don’t mean to push people away, isolate, and side with the devil on my shoulder.
4. HAPPINESS IS STRANGE
A clear mind is absurd, and having positive people around seems funny. Why can’t I just accept that I am deserving of an extraordinary life?
5. YOU SUFFER PHYSICALLY
Headaches, tense muscles, shoulder/back pains, and an upset stomach were the physical results of my unsettled issues. Life gives us all tests and there will always be many trials and errors. But when you have anxiety, you quadruple your tribulation by worrying excessively. How can I evict the people out of my mind who have made it a place of residence?
6. HEALING TAKES A LITTLE WHILE LONGER
Yes I'm still thinking about that situation that happened years ago. Yes I'm still affected by the person who is no longer in my life. It's just how my mind operates. No I can't just get over it like the others. It is not that easy.
"My overworking mind challenged and questioned life’s setbacks. Not only did my overstimulated mind make me taut and uneasy, it also made me very fragile to people's vibes, energies, and intentions. Sometimes the frailty got out of hand but strangely for the most part, anxiety has had my back. The never ending fight or flight response is draining, tiring, and continuous. Even so, my natural ability to fight past doubts, worries, and hardships is the reason I kept flying." ~MAHOGANY JENKINS
~ Mahogany Jenkins